10,000 Uses for Water Blades #44: Kid CalamitiesDaddiofink
10,000 Uses Week 44: Kid Calamity
Considering you are currently surfing the internet looking at cleaning products I’m going to assume that’s a solid “Yes”. Otherwise you’d be preoccupied watching cat videos on YouTube or looking at… ummm… other things.
Kids are a dammed calamity am I right? Lovable they may be, but each and every one of them is a whirlwind of debris, stray Legos, food stains and bodily fluids. Sometimes a combination of those elements just to keep things exciting.
A Word of Warning: This post contains graphic descriptions and may be upsetting to some readers. Who am I kidding? You’ve got kids… Reading this will be nothing compared to what you’ve already seen, slipped in and accidentally got in your mouth. We’re here to help you find a better way to power through the next catastrophe!
Chuck’s Tale of Woe:
The other day I was grabbing a little chill time. Just minding my own business, sipping a little Irish Whiskey and checking out TheChive. Mrs Chuck happened to be babysitting some primates of the nose picker variety. She claims to this day there was only two of them, but I’m relatively sure I saw 38.
Typically this is not much cause for alarm as I manage to keep myself conveniently occupied in the garage doing manly stuff like “Fixin’ things” and generally hiding from adult responsibility… Safely away from the mayhem. This is a skill honed over decades rearing my own spawn and forged of experience that has served me well. This day, I let my guard down.
That was my first mistake.
Scene 1, Living room
Seems like an awful lot of noise. Isn’t it bed time? What’s all the crabbing and screeching? One can hardly discern the action due to the deafening roar of clinking ice in the whiskey glass. The melodic, icy din is callously disrupted.
Mrs Chuck storms through. Attached to her are a baker’s dozen wailing children desperately trying to avoid “Bed Time”. She is also managing to cart along the entire collection of clean shop towels, a blanket, a bucket of water, some Lysol and a mop. She turns and calls for the dog.
In the distance, bath water is running. One of the adult-ish Chucklettes is also making a lot of racket. How’s a guy supposed to hear himself think with all this chaos?
Startling revelation: “HEY! Just where the hell does she think she’s going with my shop towels?!”
Mrs Chuck: Red faced, temporarily deaf in one ear and wearing what appears to be a hairless howler monkey. “I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP!” she rudely bellows. *
Chuck: “Yeah, me too… It’s too damn loud in here!”
That, my friends, was my second mistake.
For some unknown reason Mrs Chuck appears agitated. One wonders what could have possibly set her off this time. Chuck graciously accepts her suggestion that he “check in with Chucklette” despite the undeserved salty nature of the suggestion’s delivery.
Scene 2, Bathroom:
Chucklette is wrangling the other 25 pre-humans into the bathtub. She too appears distressed. Almost as if someone had rudely interrupted her whiskey chill time.
At this point it appears obvious to those with parenting experience that the nose picker has likely launched a fudge rocket in the bathtub. This wouldn’t be the first floater the family had dealt with, so why all the drama? Agreed, this is not OK… but it’s not like Hell’s gates have opened in our bathroom.
Chucklette: “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaadddd…” the wailing continued, “He’s thrown up everywhere!”
Chuck glancing around the room: “Really? Where?”
Chucklette: “In my bedroom… In The Hall… EVERYWHERE!”
Chuck casually turns to the hall: “Pfft! You kids are always making such a big deal out nothing…. it’s just a little… DEAR GOD ALMIGHTY!”
Scene 3, Hell’s Gates have Opened
The scene is oddly familiar… from a horror movie perhaps. Was it Event Horizon? Hellraiser? The hall appears as if dressed for a movie produced by the bastard son of Quentin Tarantino and the entire Monty Python cast.
Is that chum?! How did cottage cheese get on the ceiling? Oh God… IS that cottage cheese? And just what the Hell is THAT? It looks like Junior ate the arse out of a dead skunk and has now projectile vomited an inside-out donkey.
Chuck: “Put those towels away, did you forget I pilfered *ahem* “borrowed” one of our new Gelblade Combo’s with the Wet-N-Dry Collection Pan? Look how quickly we can swoop up the ummm… gross snotty stuff and chunks of… errr… is that ambergris?! We can even dump out the low viscosity goo and separate the solid-ish lumps without ever having to touch it.”
Mrs Chuck: “Astounding! Remarkable! Sexy!”
Chucklette: “You’re my Hero!”
Chuck: “Please put my shop towels back.”
Mrs. Chuck gazes upward, star struck: “Whatever you say Hero.”
Humanity saved, shop towels are back where they belong and everyone is still mystified why Mrs Chuck was irritated. Situation normal.
Chuck: “Hon… Why were you calling the dog?”
Chuck: “You weren’t going to let her.. ”
*Haha… Don’t worry, she’ll never read this.